Daddy number one says, “I always stress to my kids that there must be three -sions for success: Mission, passion and vision.” OK. So, dad number two: “And the outcome?” Dad number one says again, “Alas, there is only one television in their hearts.” Kids! Only one “-sion” in their hearts, that’s television. I hope it is the Supreme Master Television.
This one is really bad, even though it’s a private one, so should we tell it? (Yes, Master.) OK. Don’t blame me. A couple came to a wishing well. Where you drop money in and wish for something? So, the husband dropped a coin into the well and then kneeled there and prayed in silence for a wish. So, the wife also wanted to pray, but she carelessly slipped into the well when she bent down to kneel. So, the husband was very dumbfounded, and then he laughed and excitedly said to God, “Thank You very [much]. Thanks for listening.”
Oh, bad one. We could reverse it. OK, we do it again. A couple came into the well, and the wife dropped a coin into the well and she kneeled there and prayed for a wish. The husband also wanted to pray, but he was careless and dropped himself into the well. After a dumbfounded silence, the wife was so exuberant, she said, “Thanks God! You are really listening.” Now you’re all both happy. OK.
One day, a carpenter, a priest and a cook went on an outing in the countryside, and they made a bet and agreed not to mention any business or work. So the carpenter was tired, so they stopped to rest under a tree. The carpenter said, “What a good tree! I bet a bed made of this tree would be very comfortable.” So, the cook said, “You lose!” Because they should not mention work or business. So the carpenter replied in a hurry, “Yes, I am not as careful as you, cooking the way you do.” The cook responded right away, “But everyone who eats my dishes praises me.” The carpenter said, “Ah! You lose too!” At this moment, the priest said to them both, “Thank God! I win.” You got it? (Yes.)
Why does the ocean roar? Roar, you know? R-O-A-R. Why? (Because the wind whistles.) Not that serious. The answer is: You would roar too if you had a lobster(-person) in your bed. Cool, hey? Somebody thought about that.
What has four legs and flies? Four legs and flies. What has? What is it? (A cow.) A picnic table. (Ah! Oh!)
What is the definition of a financial genius? Well, it’s the same like the one I told you yesterday. It’s a person who can earn money faster than the family can spend it. And what is the definition of a successful family, happy family? (They found him.) They found the one who… The family that has that guy. OK. In that case, I have an excuse not to be happy. It’s just like you. No fun.
What is another name for “toupee”? “Toupee”? (Toupee.) (That’s “toupee.”) Wig. (Toupee.) “Toupee”? T-O-U-P-E-E, that’s toupet? (Toupee.) Toupet. (It’s French.) You call it “toupet”? (Toupee.) Toupet? How about English? (Toupee.) “Toupee” too? (Yes, it is.) Are you sure you’re English? A “toupee,” OK. What is another name for it? Top secret. “Top secret.”
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? (He sat on a wall?) Second chance. Two (vegan) cakes. (Yes, I had two [vegan] cakes.) No? OK, I take my (vegan) cakes. Because he wants to make up for a terrible summer. (Oh!) Oh! That’s a cheat. Fall is autumn.
Alright, I’ll continue here. Two psychotics talk together. One asks the other, “How is it? Is the book well written? No?” So the “B” says, “Wonderful. It is really a masterpiece. Without a word of nonsense. Concise and powerful. But there is only one weak point: Too many characters are presented.” And there’s a nurse nearby, she says, “Hey, you two, don’t mess with the phone book over there, hey?” Capisce (Understood)?
At a 30th anniversary school reunion, someone mentioned the guide for couples, and everyone talked enthusiastically.
The mailman said, “Frequent communication.”
And the builder said, “A firm base is important.” They’re talking about family.
The owner of an appliance shop: “To avoid friction, earth wires should be connected ahead of time.”
And the pharmacist said, “Love is a cure-all.” They all use their professional words. It is not so funny, is it? Ha-ha-ha.
And the landlord of a hotel, according to him, “A warm environment, pleasant atmosphere, and emphasis on privacy.”
And the wholesaler of a rice shop, saying, “Like first-class rice, a little sticky, but not too sticky.”
And a medical doctor offered his opinion, “Prevention is more important than cure. Don’t make a small illness into a big one.”
Owner of a flower shop: “Water frequently to keep fresh.” Oh, ya, ya. Not funny, is it? Still, you should laugh. Laughter is good for you.
What kind of book has more stirring pages than any other book? (More what kind of pages?) More stirring pages, stirring. (Cookery.) Yes, good. Cookbook. Stir, stir fry. Stir this, stir that.
“What two words have the most letters?” What are the two words that have the most letters? (The alphabet.) The post office. Post office. Has a lot of letters. They are tricking us, you know. I know, I wouldn’t be able to answer, either. Who would think about such things?
Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden. One day, Eve asked Adam, “Do you really love me?” Adam said, “Do I have any other alternative?”
“If you have seven apples, and I ask you for two, how many would you have left?” (Five.) Seven. I won’t give you any. Ha-ha-ha.
The teacher asked a student, “What are you? Animal(-person), vegetable or mineral?” What are you? (Animal[-person].) Little boy said, “Vegetable. I am a human bean.” Human being, yeah. But he said Human bean. B-E-A-N. Anyway, you are a “vegetable” anyway, because you eat vegan. (Yes.) Yeah. You are vegan. You eat only vegetables. Just like in the airplane, a stewardess asked, “Who’s vegetarian? Who got the vegetarian?” And she said, “It’s me.” And she kept asking, “Who’s another vegetarian?” “It’s me.” And she just kept asking until she came. “And who’s pork?” “It’s me.” “Who’s chicken?” “It’s me.” Understand? (Yes.) “Who is chicken?” Just like who is the one who ordered the chicken, but she made it fast. So she said, “Who’s the chicken?”
Johnny said to his friend, “My college has turned out some great men.” So, his friend asked, “I didn’t know you were a college graduate.” So, Johnny said, “I’m the one that they turned out.”
Mommy said to little Daisy, “Daisy, you want to have a cookie?” Daisy did not respond. And then Mommy asked again, “Daisy, you want to have a cookie?” So, then Daisy said, “Yes, Mom.” So, Mommy asked, “Why did you let me ask you twice?” Daisy said, “Because I want two cookies.”
It was the little girl’s first day at school, and the teacher was making out her registration card. The teacher asked, “What is your father’s name?” So, the child said, “Daddy.” “Yes, I know, but what does your mother call him?” “Oh, she doesn’t call him any name. She likes him.” You understand? Not “idiot,” “lazy,” “lousy” kind of stuff.
A hen(-person) complained to a cow(-person), “Look, humans are intolerable that they use contraceptives every day, but let us lay eggs.” So, the cow(-person) replied, “So what? They drink my milk every day, but nobody calls me Mommy.” It’s true, no? Yeah.
Photo Caption: “Paved Roadside Welcomes Worthy Souls, with Color of LIFE and PEACE!”
